God is Faithful

I am a super hero. You should look at me with great reverence, for I am a bad ass. I might be an emotional wreck, I might be losing my damn mind, I might be ultra-sensitive, and I might be running my mouth straight into a deep hole with each conversation I have... but, I am the champion. Well, at least for three days - for three days I have have been the definition of will power.

I have written about addiction for many years, because it is close to home. What's strange about it, is that I have an understanding of it myself. No, I don't use illicit drugs and I am not an alcoholic, but I have my own vices. One in particular that I unabashedly love. I understand the deep pull that certain things can have on you - deep into your soul - attached to all that you are - however unexplainable. And, even if it is wrong, we all have things we need to let go of that we don't want to. If you know me in real life, you probably know what I am talking about. Please let me be ambiguous about this.

After the doctor visit last week, I decided if I was going to be in calorie counting hell, I might as well change my whole life for the healthier.

Probably you should just avoid me like the plague this week. Last night a text rolled in that was like "are you going crazy yet?" - I almost cut a b*tch. I really wanted to eat-my-feelings last night after that one... not to mention a related comment from said texter's spouse over the weekend... but, I digress. Not everyone thinks about the weight of their words, and I am surely guilty of that too.

Remember that one time I was asked to get off a plane because I was a fatty? Not in 10 weeks.When I roll into my doctor's office, I will be an inspirational, rock star. Oprah and I are already have the whole ENFJ thing in common, but now she'll have to get me my own show on her network.

No temptation has overtaken you that is unusual for human beings. But God is faithful, and he will not allow you to be tempted beyond your strength. Instead, along with the temptation he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

the wisdom to know the difference.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I have written about the heartbreak of addiction before. And I will say it again - it is heartbreaking. Since I last wrote about this topic, I have learned a lot more. It is not about me, even though it feels so personal. It doesn't help to get emotional, you must disengage. No matter how much I want something, it has to be their decision.

we didn't cause it. we can't cure it. we can't control it.

I am only responsible for me.

darkness has a hunger

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket

I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it,
I'm crawling on your shore.

There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

those indigo girls really know what's up.

heartbreak.

Substance abuse. I am not sure there is anything worse that can affect a family. It is like finding out you have a family member who went to the store and bought themself cancer, but thinks chemo is for sissies and cancer is cool. It is a death sentence. It is a burden. It is heartbreaking. It is devastating. It is embarassing. And how can you, seriously, force an adult into help? Do they have to hit "rock bottom" to change? Can love and support help at all? Is loving someone enabling them?

And it is so private... no one wants to talk about drug abuse. Seriously - if you know someone who is suffering from a terrible disease, you shout it from the roof tops! Calling in your friends and family for loving support! Asking for prayers! Asking for help! ... when it is drugs, everyone keeps quiet. private. everyone blames themselves. and I am following this protocol by keeping this vague. because, when you do shout it from the rooftops, people offer their opinions about what should have been done, what could have been done - like if they had been in charge of this person, it would have never happened. so, we bottle. and we pray it will go away. and we pretend it isn't happening. and we lie... to ourselves and for them. and no one wins.