the quiet blog.

I have not been blogging regularly for a long time. I used to use this space to share funny little stories from my life, share pictures, recap my week and rant about my pet peeves. All of this started seeming really ridiculous and insignificant last Fall - when we found out my dad's cancer was back.

In November 2010, five days after John and I were engaged, Dad found out he had Kidney Cancer.  Just days later we all found ourselves taking up over half of the seats in the surgical waiting room at St. Lukes as we waited for a kidney to be removed. We actually chose our wedding date that day. With all of the family in one place, we were able to compare calendars and make a decision. We looked at wedding venues online, listened to ipods, and I spell-checked a bad ass email my aunt was planning to send to her newly ex-employer. We also set up her new email address (since she didn't have a personal one), and we debated the spelling of her middle name. (Who doesn't know how to spell their middle name?!?!?) It was a crazy day, full of strange conversations and weird exchanges. But, in the end, we were so happy to hear that the surgery went well. We were cancer free.

On October 1, 2011, I married John. It was a beautiful day with overwhelming love and joy. No one could have told me how happy the day would be or how it would stay with me for weeks - like I was high on life.

A couple weeks later - before pictures were in, before thank yous were mailed - we found out that the cancer was back. And, this time, it was not where it was supposed to be. The cancer had moved into his lungs and a couple lymph nodes. When cancer is not where it originated, you hear the dreaded "stage four." Metastasized.

This was an odd month for me. I was still clinging to the joy of the wedding and yet grieving at the same time. Writing my thank you letters became cathartic. I loved jotting down my favorite memories of the wedding to the guests, personalizing when possible, and telling everyone what a lovely time we had and what generosity we were shown. It was like living someone else's life.

I remember when my pictures were done. I dove into them for weeks. I was obsessed. It was so nice to look back on that day. A day when I was at peace, and in love, and so happy - and my dad did not have cancer.

Over Christmas, we had some added stress. The specifics, however, I am going to keep private. Let's just say - It was bad. We needed relief. It was the hardest couple months of my life. To date. I remember thinking back to when we lost our sweet Ky Ky. I really did think that would be my defining "bad thing" that happened to me. I figured we all had a story, and our stories would inevitably have some bad parts, and that maybe that was mine. That was the thing that would make my family stronger and then everything else would be daisies and roses - because we deserved it, damn it!

Here we are - summer 2012 - and I can say I am feeling relief. You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice. Dad is on his second medication, and he is doing well. I was very concerned about his quality of life while being treated, and I am happy to say that he is golfing and laughing and working and being an awesome dad... doing pretty much everything he normally would do. He is also not symptomatic from the cancer. So, he is sick... but, he doesn't feel sick.

And, just for good measure, I just want to say that he is the best dad, the best friend, the best role model. Anyone would tell you so. He is a great man. So much of all the good stuff in me is because of him.

So, that's where I have been. I've been focusing on my family and counting my blessings. If I am not writing on here, it's because I am off living my life, with my awesome family and friends, trying not to sweat the small stuff - because the big stuff sucks.