most of most heartbroken - the loss of my dad

We lost my Dad on February 5. It felt sudden, even though it shouldn't have.

He was diagnosed in November 2010, and we knew it metastasized in November 2011; but it still felt sudden, and shocking, and too short. Especially the last month. We really didn't know it was the end until that day; and even then, we were told "days." Words will never explain my heartbreak and sadness. I had a good one. I always knew it. From a young age, friends and even family told me they wished they had my dad. I didn't know when I was young how significant that was, but I realized as I grew. He was special, and I was lucky for it.

We celebrated his life on February 8. The service truly honored his life, and I continue to think back on it in such a positive way. Our pastor made the service personal - she took the time to really understand him and our family, and the entire service paid tribute to his well-lived life. Whenever I think on the darkness that was the night we lost him, I try to remind myself of that day. The day that the church was filled to the brim - the day that we sang, laughed, and cried for his special life. I have never seen so many people at a funeral, and they all left with a message of hope - a guide to live a good life: bus buddies and embarassing your family. I think we were all inspired.

I also ache for the baby in my belly who will have seven living great-grandparents, and not a grandfather. What a special relationship to miss out on. Luckily, I have a lot of other great men in my life who will show my child versions of that relationship - though never fully replacing him.

Thank you to friends and family who continue to hold us close in prayer - we need it. I know that death is a part of life, and that as Christians we believe that our earthly life is simply that - the physical here and now - the life we live that leads us to eternal life - but I am just another broken, flawed human who wants her daddy.

My dad's obituary can be found here. He was our most of most.