shining through the darkness.

One year ago today, the worst happened. We were overwhelmed with darkness, but Dad's light shone through - even then. I spent two years living in fear, and then the scary, horrible nightmare happended. I lived in fear, and then I could rest - rest in the peace that the big question was answered - even though the answer was death.

That has been a hard thing to express and come to terms within the last year. I don't actually feel comfort in his death, but the fear is gone - and on some level, that brings relief.
The horrifying thing happened - and I survived it.

Pastor Nanette says not to run from the darkness. We could spend life distracting ourselves from the pain, but she says, "get in there" - let's show up to our own lives, even the dark stuff. Let's be courageous and brave and get comfortable with our heartache. Let's talk about it. Let's grieve. And, I think that's how we're supposed to be - present - existing in the dank, dark crap that happens in our lives and simultaneously accepting that there is something hopeful and powerful in this world connecting us to one another. You don't get over it, you get through it. And, not alone.

Thank you to so many of you who helped me through it.
I couldn't have survived this year without my family and friends.

Big thoughts after a year? I miss him.
That's all.
I just want to hear his voice,
and kiss his head,
and lean in on the couch,
and tell him about all the things he missed.

But, I am hopeful.
And, after the year I've had, I'd say that's success.