I will give you rest.

I didn't ever really think he would die. I knew that he had stage four cancer. I knew that it had spread to multiple locations throughout his body. I cried at least once a week for two years. I knew that as the ascites filled his body with fluid this fall that that couldn't be good. But, I still didn't think he would die. It might also be so soon still that I am still in shock and wouldn't be surprised if he appeared around the corner. Too little time has passed - and I am sure the loss will grow stronger.

On some level, even though we all want to deny our narcissism, our lives are really all about ourselves - even beyond the love of our families - we still come first. And, part of that innate narcissism is believing that - even beyond science and knowledge - that the horrible thing won't happen to you. That's how I felt. Even with all the information - Why me? Not now. It can't. Not my dad.

Be Not Afraid has been playing in my head all morning. It just came to me. Is that my dad? Is that God? I really do need some rest; and, I don't mean sleep.

Be not afraid

I go before you always

Come follow me

And I will give you rest