details of the day

It's hard to put into words how overwhelmed a person can feel when they are grieving. I feel tied to images that I don't want to see again, but I can't stop thinking about. I press myself to remember what everyone said. Daily. I make myself run through the timeline - my dad's last day. A day that began with 14 fresh inches of snow on the ground and a phone call that changed my life. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we allow ourselves to forget the details? Why do we hang on to them - grasping at them so desperately? Forcing the memory.

This week has been particularly challenging. I am overwhelmed at work by my workload and the atmosphere, I am barely sleeping because of this little one in my belly, and my emotions are running high.

And, I am really starting to miss my Dad. Terribly.

Last week I remembered a part of the day we lost him that I had forgotten - My cousin's son is 12. Luckily he was not there when Dad passed. He came back by later that night, and through his tears he told me, "we had ice cream for dinner." And, I remember it really struck me in the moment. I was happy that the kids were taken away and fed ice cream - it made sense. It was one of the only things that did that day.... because, what else could they do to fix what was happening? Nothing. There was nothing to change what was happening or make it better or make it easier for a child to comprehend. What was happening was unnatural - so, they ate ice cream. Brilliant.